To Dr. Stephen T. Colbert,

Why? Why must you make such a delicious ice cream flavor? Let me tell you a story… a tragedy really. From time to time I will get a wicked sweet tooth. One that can only be quelled by the most exotic of chocolates. But then came the Americone Dream. I thought to myself this is the one! So I set out on a quest to find the Americone Dream. I visited my local grocery stores and lo, no Americone Dream. I was mocked by empty slots claiming to hold the Americone Dream but nay, no Americone Dream for me! Frustrated but not defeated I stayed the course. My next stop? A smaller chain of grocery stores. No Americone Dream, not even a slot promising the an Americone Dream in the future. But plenty of Willie Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler to go around. Undaunted I continued my search. Gas station after gas station mocked me with their “Chubby Hubby” and “Cherry Garcia”. I returned to my home a broken man. Having to settle for Vermonty Python and a copy of GQ with your likeness on it. (congratulations)

Why Mr. Colbert? Why must I, a simple man, a man of the people, a man of the world, be denied the Americone Dream?

Thank you for your time, stay the course,

William Rutherford